Happy B-Day Dee Dee Ramone

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HEY! HO! LET’S BLOW… Out the Candles!

Punk’s not dead, it’s just… it’s just waiting for a cure for decomposition is all! Yeah!

Whether you care for punk or not I will still call you a liar when you say that you don’t like the Ramones. It’s the new “I don’t like the Beatles!” It’s like, “Yeah right, dude, stop trying so hard. I know you’re all bitter about never having sex so you take it out on bands that girls like (like the Beatles and the Ramones) but all this does is put you in the hampster-wheel of not-getting-laidness-itude and you only get increasingly bitter with every rare 45 you buy for over $100. You’re like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, “I only like bands you’ve never heard of,” and guess what? Nobody cares because we haven’t heard of them! A+ and all for still being obscure (even though I’ve always said that nothing is obscure anymore what with, ya know, the internet around, so you are just being a double loser squared with two exclamation points after it, the first being the factorial of all the integers from you to x, and the next exclamation point just for the grammatical effect of making it seem yelled loudly so everyone knows what a loser you are).

In honor of Dee Dee and punk I am now going to steal something, how very punk of me. Watch. Right now I am stealing a quote from my friend Angel (who is way smarter than me) and he said that people who say they don’t like the Ramones, it’s like saying you don’t like water, it’s in everything! So if you don’t like them then you can’t like anything else. Like if you kept with the not liking water analogy, you couldn’t like beer or coffee or any other liquid ’cause its all got water in it, right? You couldn’t like any of your friends because that video in 2nd grade biology that came on those weird tape devices that didn’t play videos but like, slide show things with an audio track—dammit now I have to look this thing up, hang on… sheesh. Oh, turns out it was just a self-contained filmstrip projector with built-in tape player, like this

… so, not on the video but on the filmstrip, it would be all, “HisscrackleBEEEEEEEEEPcracklecrackleBEEEEEEEPStaticBEEEEEEEPzoop-nd the human body is 70% waterCLICK” so, like, you couldn’t even like 70% of your friends, but not 70% of the group but 70% of each one! (Sounds like all my friendships anyway)

But that’s the Ramones. Everything that came after had to be either a play off of or a reaction against them, and that’s how you know they shook shit up!

Douglas Colvin was born September 18, 1951, so he would have been 104 today! So let’s all go huff some Carbona Not Glue, buy some Chinese Rock before we Beat on the Brat at 53rd and 3rd with our Commando boots and our Poison Hearts because I Don’t Wanna Go Down to the Basement but I Wanna have a Havana Affair and then I Wanna Be Sedated and you know why? Cause It’s a Long Way Back to Germany!!! Shit man, I really got all teary-eyed just thinkin’ of all those great songs to come up with that sentence up there.

If you don’t know much about the Ramones go download AHEM excuse me, BUY you need to BUY (you know what I mean internet, I know nobody buys anything anymore) the first three albums (Ramones, Leave Home, and Rocket to Russia) and even if you thought you didn’t like them, all three albums are only like 40 minutes of music or something, so give them another shot, and for all of you already in the know of knows, put on one of those great records and go have some FUN dammit!

Here’s to you Dee Dee, Happy Birthday, now blow this place apart!